Finding my voice

In my last post I talked about my Anxiety problem and how it had manifested itself into a roadblock in my career, but I didn't go into any real details. I thought I'd talk about that a little bit. Why not, it's my blog, right?

My Anxiety was a result of growing up in an often stressful, and certainly chaotic environment. I felt that my best way of coping was to just be as accommodating and quiet as I could be. Often times, denying my own desires and ambitions, to "keep the peace". As I grew up, it showed itself in an unwillingness and even fear of pursuing ambitions or goals for fear of rocking the boat, or bothering someone, or even being denied what it was that I wanted. Better not to try than to try and fail, right? Well, let's just say that that lead to a very unfulfilled life.

There's nothing like having a crippling panic attack in the middle of an intimate acoustic set in a small coffee house, or having to ingest enough beer to be able to even step on the stage that it ended up causing conflicts with other band members.

Worse yet is not knowing WHY. Not knowing what the cause is or if it's just a personality quirk or if you're just really an asshole and you never noticed it before. It's always easiest to blame others for it though. "I couldn't hear the monitors", "The lead singer is just a dick!", "I was just nervous", or a host of other such nonsense.

It also breeds indecision. I've spent years second guessing every thing I've ever done. Is my voice good enough to do lead vocals? Am I really a good enough guitarist to pull off this part live? Should I play punk or should I try to be the next Foo Fighters? Always questioning, always trying to figure out what others expected of me, always looking for why.

It's funny that a little 20mg pill, once a day, has completely changed my life. I no longer have fear and I no longer doubt, and most importantly, I no longer care what others expect of me. I have my focus and I have my drive. I have my ambition and I have my voice, and goddammit, I'm going to use them.

Anxiety and Depression are not things to play around with. If you feel that you suffer from either of these life destroying conditions, please seek help. Tell the people who love you and let them help you help yourself. Your life depends on it.

Not a face value kinda guy..............

Hey Heroes,

It's true, you know. I have a hard time taking anything at face value. I don't know if it's my Buddhist leanings, or if it's my Punk Rock background, but I question everything. That's right. EVERYTHING.

I've held the belief, for as long as I can remember, that in order for a person to honestly believe something, they have to completely deconstruct the belief and analyze it from the bottom up. In essence, blind faith is for the weak minded who can't think for themselves. Harsh? Maybe, but that's how I feel.

So, you're asking yourselves, "Paul, what the fuck does this have to do with music?". Well, everything actually. How do you know that the latest trend in PR is right for you if you don't question the motives, actions, and tactics necessary for pulling it off? How do you know if the record deal you're contemplating is right if you don't question how many hands are in the pot and where the incoming money is going to? You see, questioning things can make a big difference in the outcome of our efforts.

It can also play into who we surround ourselves with, what venues we play, what sponsors we align ourselves with, and much more.

It's all about being aware and knowing what it is we're signing our names to. It's all about taking responsibility for the outcome of our efforts. It's all about understanding the consequences of our actions.

Leave the blind faith to the thoughtless masses and question what it is that's shaping your life and and your future. What could be more Rock and Roll than that?

Later,

Use every moment

Hey Heroes,

So, I've talked before about taking every opportunity, and making the best of it. Let's talk a little bit about taking a moment, just every now and then, to evaluate our own progress and make the little tweaks needed to get ourselves steering true.

The greatest thing about having come out of a punk background is the solid need to question everything. Couple that with several years of Buddhist study, and I've also developed a strong need to question even my own motives. Kind of a constant self diagnostic test. What do I really think, and why? Does my answer hold water with me, or have I been fooling myself again? Yep, it happens. A lot, sometimes.

What it comes down to, for me, is the need to evaluate where my activities have lead me and determine if I'm on the road to where I want to go. It takes just a little bit of time each day, and yes, it's another EVERY DAY thing. In case you haven't figured it out yet, all of my solutions are a never ending, every day, necessity.

Take just a minute to really look at your progress. Are you reaping the benefits you expected? Is there one aspect of your plan that's keeping you from achieving your goal, or is the plan even working at all? By doing this daily evaluation it allows you to realize any shortcomings early in the process, and make the changes you need, and it might even save you a lot of wasted time and money. Resources that most of us don't have a lot of.

So, make your plans and check on them often, make changes as needed and save yourself time and money. I like it.

Authenticity

Having been in many bands over the years, one of the things that always sets funny is the need of so many bands to immulate their "influences". What inevitably happens is a set with a song that sounds just like AC/DC followed by a song that sounds just like (insert the name of your next favorite band). It comes down to a lack of a true authentic vision, or maybe even a lack of self identity.

Is it any wonder that you can turn on the radio right now and here 10 bands with the same exact vocal style and delivery of Blink 182? Hell, even they stole it from Screeching Weasel.

This is what separates innovators from followers. The innovator makes a statement, the follower apes it and jumps on the "bandwagon". Innovators have staying power, followers have their successes as long as the style stays in fashion and then they fade away. 80's Hair Band package tour anyone?

It took me a LOOOOOOOOOOOONG time to realize that as much as I love Punk Rock music, I can't embrace the ethic, I feel like a clown in studded leather, and PBR is nasty. Let YOUR light shine through and you will qualify your ideal fans. If you like Lee Greenwood and Motorhead, your fans will hear both in what you do. The best part is that you won't sound "just like" either.

Be your own person, it feels good.