My True North OR Follow the Compass, Dummy!

So, last time I talked about how, with the aid of my wonderful new Anti-Anxiety med, I've rediscovered my focus, drive, and ambition. Such a great thing, right? Yep, it was, but I quickly discovered that now I don't know what direction I'm going. Ain't that a kicker?

One thing about not having my direction in place has been that it's been way too easy for me to follow tangents. To jet off on a high speed chase after something that seemed like a good idea, whether it would benefit me in the long run or not. Focusing in on one little facet of the diamond that is me instead of stepping back and appreciating all the little things that combine to make me who I am.

It's kept me from really knowing who I am. For way too long now.

Even my time spent in meditation hasn't really shown me the big picture, the way it should have. Why, because even in the one place where it's supposed to be easiest to find yourself, I was still hiding. Hiding my self, not just from the world but, well, from myself. Too scared and too accommodating to really delve into my own desires for my future. Too empathetic to put myself first in my own life.

Now that I've got a clearer picture of where I'm at, it's time for me to really decide where I'm going. It's time for me to take a long hard look at my inner compass and trust that it won't get me lost.

Finding my voice

In my last post I talked about my Anxiety problem and how it had manifested itself into a roadblock in my career, but I didn't go into any real details. I thought I'd talk about that a little bit. Why not, it's my blog, right?

My Anxiety was a result of growing up in an often stressful, and certainly chaotic environment. I felt that my best way of coping was to just be as accommodating and quiet as I could be. Often times, denying my own desires and ambitions, to "keep the peace". As I grew up, it showed itself in an unwillingness and even fear of pursuing ambitions or goals for fear of rocking the boat, or bothering someone, or even being denied what it was that I wanted. Better not to try than to try and fail, right? Well, let's just say that that lead to a very unfulfilled life.

There's nothing like having a crippling panic attack in the middle of an intimate acoustic set in a small coffee house, or having to ingest enough beer to be able to even step on the stage that it ended up causing conflicts with other band members.

Worse yet is not knowing WHY. Not knowing what the cause is or if it's just a personality quirk or if you're just really an asshole and you never noticed it before. It's always easiest to blame others for it though. "I couldn't hear the monitors", "The lead singer is just a dick!", "I was just nervous", or a host of other such nonsense.

It also breeds indecision. I've spent years second guessing every thing I've ever done. Is my voice good enough to do lead vocals? Am I really a good enough guitarist to pull off this part live? Should I play punk or should I try to be the next Foo Fighters? Always questioning, always trying to figure out what others expected of me, always looking for why.

It's funny that a little 20mg pill, once a day, has completely changed my life. I no longer have fear and I no longer doubt, and most importantly, I no longer care what others expect of me. I have my focus and I have my drive. I have my ambition and I have my voice, and goddammit, I'm going to use them.

Anxiety and Depression are not things to play around with. If you feel that you suffer from either of these life destroying conditions, please seek help. Tell the people who love you and let them help you help yourself. Your life depends on it.

Fuel for the Muse, or a mental roadblock in the making?

As Artists we sometimes rely on our pasts and past experiences to fuel the creative drive of our Art, but what if those past experiences are holding us back as well?

For me, this was really brought home over the last few weeks. Since as early as I can remember I've been an anxious kind of guy, and over the years it's caused me some problems and it's held me back from doing some of the things that I really want to do with my life.

It's a tough thing to admit, sometimes, that the very experiences that shape who we are may have, in some way, damaged us as well.

If pressed, most of us would agree that we Artist types are a sensitive lot from the get go. We're brooding, quiet, and reclusive as well as creative. Some folks are better able to push that side down and get on with their dreams than other. Those of us that aren't that fortunate tend toward booze or drugs, or for some of us (my hand reluctantly held high), we end up with emotional or mental problems. Anxiety, in my case.

The important thing is to recognize when things like this become a road block to our success and take the necessary steps to change it, whether it's a 12 step program or my, once daily, dose of medication. I've known too many good Artists lost along the way because they couldn't overcome their obstacles. I'm glad I had the kind of support that allowed me to put myself first and take the steps I needed to to get the help I needed.

It's not selfish to put your own interests and ambitions first. That's the lesson that I learned from this situation.