Finding my voice

In my last post I talked about my Anxiety problem and how it had manifested itself into a roadblock in my career, but I didn't go into any real details. I thought I'd talk about that a little bit. Why not, it's my blog, right?

My Anxiety was a result of growing up in an often stressful, and certainly chaotic environment. I felt that my best way of coping was to just be as accommodating and quiet as I could be. Often times, denying my own desires and ambitions, to "keep the peace". As I grew up, it showed itself in an unwillingness and even fear of pursuing ambitions or goals for fear of rocking the boat, or bothering someone, or even being denied what it was that I wanted. Better not to try than to try and fail, right? Well, let's just say that that lead to a very unfulfilled life.

There's nothing like having a crippling panic attack in the middle of an intimate acoustic set in a small coffee house, or having to ingest enough beer to be able to even step on the stage that it ended up causing conflicts with other band members.

Worse yet is not knowing WHY. Not knowing what the cause is or if it's just a personality quirk or if you're just really an asshole and you never noticed it before. It's always easiest to blame others for it though. "I couldn't hear the monitors", "The lead singer is just a dick!", "I was just nervous", or a host of other such nonsense.

It also breeds indecision. I've spent years second guessing every thing I've ever done. Is my voice good enough to do lead vocals? Am I really a good enough guitarist to pull off this part live? Should I play punk or should I try to be the next Foo Fighters? Always questioning, always trying to figure out what others expected of me, always looking for why.

It's funny that a little 20mg pill, once a day, has completely changed my life. I no longer have fear and I no longer doubt, and most importantly, I no longer care what others expect of me. I have my focus and I have my drive. I have my ambition and I have my voice, and goddammit, I'm going to use them.

Anxiety and Depression are not things to play around with. If you feel that you suffer from either of these life destroying conditions, please seek help. Tell the people who love you and let them help you help yourself. Your life depends on it.